~ why am i doing this? ~

02 April 1999

i trully hate when i don’t know what i’m doing. i started this website just because i like doing graphics. i didn’t want to be a web designer. i didn’t want to be a writer. but once i’m in it, i started to see what the others doing. and i can’t help getting the influence…

well, if you want to design something, you need enough exposure to the area you are designing… (am i being clear? no?). so, i expose myself to the homepages and websites all over the net. mostly are personal websites. i saw so many sites that get my jaw drop. maybe im just easily amused, but i’m sure, i’m not the only person whose jaw dropped.

the websters of the sites can really write! one thing that i cant do is writing. i barely pulled C- in all my writing courses i took in college. maybe that’s why i was fascinated. cause they can do something that i’m unable to do.

my old excuse, which was “english is not my first language”, does not apply anymore. i realized that i am not even articulated enough to write in indonesian. *sighs*…

now that i have seen those sites, i feel a pressure that i have to do at least as good as they are. there are millions of sites out there. what does make mine special enough to keep the people coming back to see the updates here? i dont know. i do not know what i am good at.

i have a section where i put free graphics. but i have seen more than 20 pages who offers free graphics with much much better quality and originality than mine. same applies for the card. and today, i saw a page who critiques online journals. she said, most of the online journals does not meet the standard. well, her standard, that is…

so, there… another source of pressure. i think i start to lose the fun out of this webpage-making process. this site has only been up for less than 3 months. am i doing a good job? no? yes? i don’t know. i haven’t gotten enough feedback about this. maybe i’m not searching hard enough for feedback. i’m not sure.

i’m confused. maybe that’s what happen if you dont have enough sleep. easily confused and cant keep one track mind. (see what i mean? i’m off the course again).

oh well, i better get some rest first….. —to be continued—