~ breaking up? ~

03 February 2000

i think i should break up with ari. we don’t trust each other anymore. and the relationship seems to hurt us.

i went out with friends last night to an opening from AIGA, then to a bar, and to a friend’s dj gig. ari couldn’t go cause he wasn’t an AIGA member and he was swamped with work.

the next day, he’s pissed at me and started to accuse me of all kind of nasty thing. it has been happening a lot, almost everytime i go out…. right now, i’m just too lazy to spill every single details about our relationship. maybe i just don’t feel comfortable having my relationship problem broadcasted on the net. i just need to vent right now.

we’ve been together for almost 3 years, on and off. the last time we broke up, it was because of the same reason… well, almost the same. there seem to be a pattern in our relationship. we go out for a year, and tired of each other and break up. a couple of months after that, we get together again for a year, and breaka up again. it makes me wonder, do we really have to break up every year? can’t we just solve the problem? i mean… i really like ari. i love to be with him. and i can see future with him. i can think ahead…

but there is always this feeling of being bounded. i can’t do this, i can’t do that… or, “that’s ok, you can do that”, and he’ll be pissed the next day. all the fuckin guilt trip. and of course, i would play the same way… guilt trip him back.

it’s just not healthy. and for some reason, i can’t pin point the exact problem. maybe that’s why we can never solve it and always ended up breaking up. is it me? is it him? is it us?

i dont’ know.