~ what do you wanna be when you grow up? ~

12 March 1999

when i was a kid, if someone asked me what would i be when i grow up, i used to say i wanted to be a doctor. yeah, standard answer, but at least i have an answer. now, i really don’t know what i wanna be. and the time is running out. i think i’m lost. i’m confused. and i also dont care… maybe i just don’t want to care.

my apartment is a mess. i haven’t cleaned it up for more than a month. i don’t even know where my sketch book is. nor my other black lighter.

my life is a mess. i don’t know what i want to do. i have no desire of doing anything. not even trying to make myself look decent. i have no job, but put no effort in finding one. why? i dont want to be an engineer. after 5 and a half year trying to be one, i finally realized how i hate the matter. no. i don’t want to do it. maybe it’s a little too late to say that. i have wasted so many years. all my friends are working, and me? i’m doing nothing.

so many things i wanted to say, i don’t know where to begin. actually, i don’t know how to say it without sounding pathetic. i didn’t do a good job, did i? i sounded pathetic already. i feel sick of myself. i don’t know how to be better. i was not like this. i used to have vision. i dont know where it is now. and i dont know how to be the way i used to be.

i feel like a loser. maybe i am a loser.

~ comment (8) ~

u just might be a loser but so am i i feel the same way but im in college and i feel like i am just wasting time and money and i have a job but a dead end job and i dont know what i want to do with my life so just remember u r not alone

ezl | 28 December 2003 - 05:52 | reply

you have something that you can be proud of, and others can’t. I’m also lost, but I don’t think I’m a loser. What’s the definiton of loser anyway? What do you think you are a loser against?

poil | 27 January 2004 - 05:01 | reply

I didn’t know you’re an engineer? I thought you’re a graphic designer?

Lola | 27 January 2004 - 06:18 | reply

hehehe, that was in 1999. i went to school to become an angineer. as for the graphic designer thing, it was a hobby ;)

thalia | 27 January 2004 - 11:26 | reply

thalia, have you found the answer now? it’s been 5 years since you wrote this article, i just wondering if u finally know what you wanna do. =)

simplyme | 12 February 2004 - 12:27 | reply

5 years… wow. yeah, so far, so good. i’ve done what i wanted to do — to be a graphic designer, and now in the middle of pursuing my other goals in life (yep, i have goals!)

you see, the article above was practically a reflection of my post college year angst :) no job, no future, part-timing as a waitress in a japanese restaurant, all confused. hence the negative vibes…

it’s kinda makes me feel nostalgic (but embarassing!) reading all these things i wrote back then. hehehe.

thalia | 12 February 2004 - 04:22 | reply

wow.. changing lane from engineering to design. Do u study design again at school, or just learn it by yourself? it just after 5 1/2 year studying, i thought u might get bored studying again.

abc | 13 February 2004 - 12:16 | reply

how do u finally get to work as a designer?? did someone discover u? or u just design sth & show it to prospective employers? sorry if it’s personal, it’s just i’m feeling the same way you did. studying sth for years & later realised that it’s not the right one. confused & lost… anyway i thought it would be interesting if u could write sth that happen afterwards, the journey that made u the way u r now. so i might cheer up a bit, knowing that there’s someone else who went through this and finally made it. =)

unity | 13 February 2004 - 12:27 | reply